After I finished reading Take a Hint, Dani Brown by Talia Hibbert, I officially decided that I was FINALLY sick of romance novels.

It’s embarrassing to admit, but I have reached the point where I can look at the table of contents and know exactly how things will unfold (give or take a few chapters).

For example, let’s say there are 20 chapters in our favourite romance novel. Let me sum up (based on my *personal* reading experience) how the story will unfold…

Chapters 1-3: 

We meet our two lovers or soon-to-be lovers, but they don’t know it yet. It’s a casual workplace setting or a bustling city, the place is often unimportant, but these two are destined to be together. The readers know it, the author knows it, but of course, the characters don’t know it (bummer, I know). They either hate each other, are longtime friends, or childhood classmates, or they just met through an endearing, but overdone meet-cute. Whatever the case may be, readers are along for the ride, no matter how exaggerated the obstacle holding them back may be.

Chapters 4-8: 

Things are starting to heat up in the next few chapters. In “Take a Hint, Dani Brown, " there’s an untimely fire drill, and Dani is heroically rescued by Zafir in the elevator (all conveniently filmed). This sudden publicity becomes the stepping stone for their relationship. They begin to see each other as more than just coworkers or friends. In general, the future lovebirds are consistently appearing in each other’s lives and thoughts. They might bump into each other at work or show up as a convenient shoulder to cry on. Nevertheless, a new bond is forming between them. Perhaps the former classmates discover they actually have a lot in common, how come they were never friends in high school? Throughout all of this, there is a semblance of something romantic in the protagonist’s thoughts, but they dismiss it as irrational and far-fetched. As readers, we are screaming at the page, because we know the other person feels the exact same way. I guess if readers played God, the story would end much more quickly…

Chapters 9-12: 

There are minor bumps in the road, but nothing our couple can’t handle. Sometimes the characters go into a sequence of deep internal turmoil here because they start falling for each other. Their emotions are not feigned or fabricated, there really is something there. But, of course, they can’t just communicate that to one another, that would be completely insane! On the reader’s end, the pressure is mounting, maybe there’s a slight ting of satisfaction, a stuck-up, “I knew she liked him!” or frustration as we scream, “Get together already!”. However, it is still early dear romance readers, we must earn their companionship, and there are troubled waters ahead…

Chapters 13-16: 

Okay, there’s a big obstacle coming up soon, something that seems almost insurmountable to our budding couple. Maybe a toxic ex reappears, or they get fired from work for their romantic antics. Perhaps there’s a terrible secret uncovered from their past? Whatever it is, things were TOO good to be true, and as readers realize there are still several chapters to go, something tragic is bound to happen. I know it’s a little mean to be excited about a couple’s demise, but I’m always on the edge of my seat here, wracking my brain for they can possibly screw this up…

Chapters 17-18: 

Fight! Fight! Fight! Oh no! Something went wrong. Maybe the womanizer who swore he’s changed turns out to actually be a womanizer (shocker), or one-half of the couple is more into their work than their new beau. Perhaps there’s a secret wife/husband/child? But more often than not, their conflict is caused by something as simple as resurfaced trust issues from the past. But it really could be anything! As a reader, the more unexpected the reason, the more entertaining, but lately, I’ve gotten too good at spotting the imploding factor (that’s what we’ll call it) from a mile away. In “Take A Hint, Dani Brown!”, Dani mentioned that she was never looking for a serious romantic relationship and suddenly that’s what the guy wants. This revelation scares her, so she runs away…

Chapter 19: 

Will they ever come back from something so terrible!? All those times they confided in one another, the secrets they shared, it’s all exposed for the world to see (i.e. readers). Oh, Dani had trust issues? Well, then it’ll definitely blow up in their face. Romance novels thrive off of bottled feelings and miscommunication, without these two simple things, they would cease to exist. But alas, we’re human. Stubborn, insecure, and indecisive creatures, so of course, this is why romantic relationships play out the way they do. We have an entire genre that breeds off of our insecurities. But don’t get me wrong, I’m totally here for it.

Chapter 20: 

A grand gesture, an epic speech, one final meeting, and our lovers are back in each other’s arms. I know, too good to be true, right? But it’s love and we’re all suckers, so are we even surprised anymore?

Happily Ever After…

Sometimes there’s an epilogue and sometimes we’re left to our own devices. Flash forward five years and they have that home with the terrace that the girl was talking about, in the city that the guy dreamed of living in. They both have prosperous jobs with an immaculate work-life balance that only exists in books. They own a pet together, or maybe if the author was feeling frisky and they have a kid now. The point is, they are happy. They are living a life they would have NEVER imagined in Chapter 1, or at least THEY couldn’t, but the readers, on the other hand, always knew. Like a mother who can sniff your toxic friend from a mile away, readers deserve more credit.

I know it sounds like complaining, but it’s because of this predictability, that I keep reading. 

I just grabbed my next romance novel, and at this point, it’s not even a guilty pleasure anymore, just pure unabashed glee because I know that in this fabricated world, everything is going to be alright.